How Can You Leave the Church


“How can you leave the church.”   It’s not a question, it’s a heart wrenching plea.   It comes not from those looking for an exit strategy from their church or denomination, but from those staying behind and begging you to stay.  Like a child stuck in the middle of a divorce saying “Daddy don’t go”, it’s a cry of bewilderment, supplication, confusion, despair, and fear.  They don’t know what else to do.  They understand your pain.  They understand your hurt.  But at the same time they’re afraid that if you walk out the door you will never come back.  Your religiosity, your beliefs, your faith, and your spirituality will die.  It will never be the same again and you will be lost to them.

It’s amazing what happens when you write something like “Dear Church Leaders“.  I would never have guessed that it would have received the response it did.  Not just in total views, but also in the connection people had with it.  Of course there were those who agreed and those who disagreed, which is normal.  They quoted scripture and religious text as if the issue were a simple black and white issue.  They missed the point. It’s the third group, who are caught in the middle, who understand best.  They respond with earnestness and sincerity like Dr McGuire, Robin Williams’ character in Good Will Hunting, repeating over and over to Will “It’s not your fault”.  It’s the text I got from my grandma several days after posting the blog.

“I read your blog to our bible study group yesterday.  Everybody wants a copy.  It was oil on troubled waters.  We all have children and grandchildren we pray for.  We love them and young or old we women are traumatized by the church’s action.  It isn’t necessary to spook us like that continually.  Our lesson was on Acts 4.  We read verses 29 & 30 together and pray together for you.  Love you. Grateful for you.  Grandpa would be proud too.”

“Grandpa would be proud”.  A minister for over 40 years who read the bible cover to cover every year.  Who spent hours every day in prayer and bible study before eating breakfast.  And the man never missed a meal.  A man who embarrassingly sobbed like a baby every time he said goodbye to us because he loved us so much.  I hear him in my grandma’s message.  He comes again as my uncle (his son) emails a week later concluding with the words “don’t leave, your voice is too important”.   Those words are neither given nor taken lightly.  They are purposeful, heartfelt, and sincere.  Everything I feel the church is not.

The personal messages keep coming.  The emotions are raw as I read through the stories of disunity with the church.  One from a gay man said how much he loved his church and wishes to come back.  I hear the pain in his words as he longs for reconciliation and community with his church brothers and sisters.  But in the end he knows reconciliation is not possible with the way things are currently.  He is outcast.

Over and over the theme is the same.  “The church doesn’t want me”.  “I’m better off now that I left”.  “They’ve pushed me out”.  “I didn’t want to leave, but I can’t stay”.  As I reflect on my own place in the church and read through the stories it seems like the question shouldn’t be “how can you leave”, but rather “why did it take so long”.

Those standing on the outside looking in don’t understand.  To them the answer is clear.  You need to make a change.  But making that kind of change isn’t easy.  That’s the struggle for so many who are frustrated with the decisions of their church.  We love the church that we’ve been raised in.  We feel deep connection with how it’s shaped us.  So the pain is real as we anguish over the thought of leaving.  To leave is frightening and relieving.  “How can you leave” is the plea we make to ourselves.  Where do we go?  What is the right decision?  Stay and fight or move on to find healing and peace somewhere else.


4 thoughts on “How Can You Leave the Church

  1. Ben, I weep as I read this…I am my father’s daughter, after all. But my tears are of pride for the man you have become, for the depth of thought and perception you have and for th heartfelt struggle that so many in our church are facing right now. My devotional yesterday was from Sarah Young’s “Jesus Calling” and it goes like this: DO NOT EXPECT to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things that you don’t deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace. See how quickly you can forgive the one who has wounded you. Don’t be concerned about setting the record straight. Instead of obsessing about other people’s opinions of you, keep your focus on Me. Ultimately, it is My view of you that counts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I left… Fifteen years ago last September.

    I didn’t leave entirely over politics, entirely over theology, or entirely over the dysfunction I’d seen since I was a child, when even then I could see that EGW and the bible have so many areas of opposition that couldn’t be resolved, they were merely “Spun.”

    I grew up in a pastors home… lived at SDA institutions, mostly academies… all my life. I was not eager to leave… my entire social network was built on Adventism! But my SDA friends soon found out that I didn’t change… I was still me. I didn’t see them at church every Sabbath, but I’d bump into them at concerts… and I’d still work for them and with them on projects. We were still friends like before.

    I know that my rejection of their cherished faith was awkward… It was something we had in common that we could no longer share or agree on. That’s challenging…

    But I outstayed my allegiance and integrity of belonging by about 10 years… Good things happened during that time, and maybe it was God’s will. But they were excruciating years in many ways. When I finally did leave it was because God gave me what I felt was a very direct message… “Go now… and I’ll lead you to where you need to be!”

    That gave me incredible peace because I knew that I could trust that God… He’d said that to various people down through history. It wasn’t a message that was un-God-like, and it wasn’t something I really wanted to do. It was something I was told to do.

    I was careful in choosing a church after leaving… because I realized that there was no church with which I could entirely agree, on scripture and theology. It was just me, God and the scriptures from that point on. But there are quite a few gospel-focused, doctrinally minimalist, fellowship out there that will give you a place to serve and grow… to know and be known.

    Adventism, in my opinion, has been down in the weeds of power-grabbing and historical protectionism for 3 or 4 decades. It may be a delightful and entertaining “game of thrones.” But I just came to the point where I have to echo the honesty and directness of a preacher I respect. “It may be a nice time… may make lots of people feel good… But it’s not about the gospel, so… frankly… I ain’t up for it!”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know this is late, and I doubt anyone will see this, but it’s a free country last time I checked and this will take like a few minutes.

    I’m glad the previous blog post and this one were made, the previous one made a big impact on me about a year ago, after I had left the church as well.

    It’s actually kinda odd, I wasn’t born into it, I was pretty much converted. My grandma invites my mom and siblings to this pretty big thing in the woods, and over the years I made a lot of good friends.

    So naturally, last year, not knowing for sure at the time if I was baptized or not and being surrounded by supporting people, I got baptized again.

    I even got to tell a speech before I was dunked, really happy how amazing it was. I always have an amazing time up there, God really speaks to me in such an isolated place.

    So I got home and was going to a local church, thanks to the guy I who got baptized before me. Met more friends, had a great time, was really happy.

    Then we cracked open Leviticus.

    Week one, I was shocked. Week two I was angry. Week three I was sad.

    Looking around me, and I was surrounded by people who likely were on their second wife or dated before marriage, which is technically adultery.

    Which is an abomination.

    And I got to hear how incest and homosexuality are abominations, while everyone bypassed that so many people are adultering.

    I’m going to the thing this summer as well because things are different there, but I can’t go to my local church…. It would just make me upset again.

    So that’s the story, I hope no one I know reads it.


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