Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

I’ve recently been watching The Walking Dead on Netflix (although disappointing because they only have 6 episodes).  These movies or TV shows always have an effect on me.  It’s like going to watch Fast and Furious then driving home like a stunt car driver or watching Batman and plotting your own version of vigilante justice (admit it you’ve done it).  So as I’m watching, I can’t help but to start evaluate my own “Zombie Apocalypse Survival”.  However, whether it’s Walking Dead, Resident Evil, or Zombieland I’m always confused by the roaming band of scavengers fighting for survival from the “undead”.  There are always a group of questions that I can’t seem to make sense of.

1.  Why are they always camping?  It’s like any horror movie where you can expect someone to run up the stairs only to meet Ghostface.  Every band of cunning zombie survivalists stops to pitch a tent and roll out a sleeping bag under the stars only to inevitably get attacked and lose at least one person in the melee.  You have your pick of every building, RV, bomb shelter, and military vehicle on the planet yet you feel safest out in the open surrounded by tin cans on a string as your alarm system?  It’s not like zombies are clever or sneaky, so use your fully functioning brain (or even a small fraction thereof) and don’t lay yourself out like hors d’oeuvre.

2.  Are there no sporting good or hardware stores?  My first inclination would be to hit up Lowes and Dicks for every item imaginable from  generators to crossbows.  Not to mention all the “How To” books and items for building functioning solar/wind power cells and gardening.  It’s not there should be supply and demand problem since I don’t foresee any zombies working on home improvement projects or going fishing.

3.  How do mindless zombies stop you from setting up shop and creating a new citie with walls? Movies like Waterworld or Book of Eli always wind up with small colonies working together to survive setting up villages or towns.  Going back to all the supplies I hoard from #2, building a well defended homestead with sustainable, renewable energy source and fresh food only seems like common sense.  We can’t all live like Woody Harrelson meandering across the country in search of Twinkies.  And of course you would want to be surrounded by water.  When someone creates swimming zombies, then I’ll be scared.

4.  Since when can zombies over-run the greatest military power in the world? Every movie you see tanks and military vehicles strewn about while a group of average people wielding axes and shovels, with usually at least one barely literate redneck, survive as the last installments of humanity.  Your telling me somehow deranged, braindead humanoids overran even the Navy?  (see #3, now I’m afraid).  I hope that someone in the armed services is making note.

5.  What’s keeping them alive?  They ate every animal and person so far.  They don’t stop moving, zombies don’t eat each other and you don’t see them standing around at the drinking fountain either; so after about 3 weeks of so of absolutely no food or water how are these things a threat to anyone over the age of 6?  No matter what plague is keeping them alive, the muscle atrophy alone would make them absolutely useless.  Hunker down for about 6 months, let them die out, and start all over.

6.  Why does everyone think big cities won’t be affected?  There’s a mass plague that is turning people into flesh-eating maniacs that can’t be killed; quick lets go to where the most people are!  1 vs. 3000 or 1 vs. 3,000,000, which looks like the better odds?  Sorry, I’m going to stick with the country town with population 325, a fully stocked grocery store, and lots of open space to see what’s coming.

7.  Why is everyone wearing the same dirty clothes?  Who cares what you had in your closet when you left home, leave the favorite t-shirt and grab an extra flashlight because the world is your shopping mall now.  Take what you want, but remember no one’s outrunning a zombie dressed like a Kardashian either.

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